Dennis Leary - As*hole

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Interactive transcript
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Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way
our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests.
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,
maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area.
Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys.
Maybe even in the colon, we don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.

My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table...and a cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
Oh no, no way
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...

NAAAAH!

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado Convertible,
hot pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior
and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah!
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour,
getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's
in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
and when I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth on the American Flag
and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side,
and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it.
You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why.
Two words: Nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK?
Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want...
they can have a big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square
and it won't make a lick of difference, because we got the bombs, OK?
John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen!
And as soon as we find a cure for cancer,
we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off.
You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15 million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be.
I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Lee Marvin and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of whisky and drive to Texas...
(HEY, HEY HEY!)

Why don't you shut up and sing the song, pal?

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Arf, Arf Arf, Arf Arf, Arf Arf
Thoomph A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it

Author's description [hide]
Denis Colin Leary (born August 18, 1957) is a Golden Globe- and Emmy Award-nominated American actor, comedian, writer and director. He is known for his often angry comedic style, and his chain smoking. As of 2009, Leary is the star and co-creator of the television show Rescue Me.

Leary was born in Worcester, Massachusetts, the son of Irish Catholic immigrants. His mother, Nora, was a maid. His father, John Leary (deceased), was an auto mechanic. Since both of his parents are from Killarney, County Kerry, Ireland, Leary holds both Irish and American citizenship. He graduated from Saint Peter-Marian High School, in Worcester. Through marriage, Leary is a distant cousin of talk show host Conan O'Brien and has jokingly said on Late Night with Conan O'Brien that, "All Irish people are related." His name is often misspelled as "Dennis" instead of the correct "Denis."
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