Freestyle Rap Battle: Translated

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sk8rgrrrl3,577,168 views
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Good evening, I would like to begin by introducing myself. My name is Hydrogen, and I come from a low-income neighborhood where life is not very comfortable. I have stolen many things and been in many altercations, most of which have ended in gunfire. In addition to this, I have had sexual intercourse with a great number of the opposite sex. In contrast, and despite the lack of legitimate evidence, I believe you to have been involved in a fair amount of homosexual activities; activities I and my companions look down upon. I am so much stronger than you, and my powers of rhetoric so much greater than yours, that you could employ an army of some sort to aid in your fight with me; but I, of course, would prevail because I am stronger than you. I'm sure I needn't remind you of my place of birth, wherein as I explained before, the living conditions are much worse than in your aforementioned city of residence. I would like to stop here for a moment and remind you that I am orating with little or no prior preparation (an act commonly referred to as "freestyling"). Once again, and I think this bears repeating, I would like to restate my claim that I am, in fact, much stronger and have endured a larger number of hardships than you; hardships that have left me with aggressive behavior and an imposing demeanor which I believe frightens you. I know of a woman with whom you have had sexual intercourse. I too have had sexual intercourse with said woman, and she complained to me of your less-than-exemplary performance in bed. She went on to explain to me, in graphic detail, the dimensions and particulars of your genitals; and I tell you what she said was NOT very generous, sir. In conclusion, I would like to leave you with a brief summary of my argument: you, sir, are a weak, timid, and untrustworthy homosexual. The city in which you live is not nearly as difficult to live in, nor is in such a high state of disrepair, as mine. I am the superior monologist in this debate, and any claim to the contrary will result in physical violence and perhaps even death.

And a good day to you too, sir. I would like to rebut your previous claims in an improvisational and rhythmic manner. I was given the name Boost by my peers. The alleged "facts" you have uncovered in regards to me are unfounded and without merit. My birthplace is not only vastly inferior to yours, but my neighbors are much more resilient. In terms of your claim to my sexuality: Sigmund Freud theorized that in some cases the semiconscious mind manifests repressed desires, therefore leading me to believe that you, sir, are indeed the homosexual. In fact, I once had a romantic rendezvous with your biological mother in which fellatio was performed forthwith and without explanation. The encounter lasted several hours, and many unspeakable acts were implemented. I paid her for her services and no subsequent contact, either verbally or physically, has been made. I brandish a nine-millimeter pistol which I stole from a man involved in a gang related turf war. I fired the pistol several times and, in some cases, critically wounded those with whom I was in contest with. I would like to inform the audience that I engage in the sale and consumption of illegal narcotics on a regular basis. Speaking candidly, I am in no form intimidated or fearful of your actions, as I have been involved in countless altercations which have ended less than favorably. In summation, your argument denotes a lack of intellectual honesty on your part. It is my contention that this matter would best be solved with fisticuffs; I believe I will be victorious in this regard.

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benandryan.com

This is a satirical translation of a freestyle rap battle.
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